woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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