i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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