you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize