I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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