god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
