I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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