If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
