You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
