Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
