and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
