The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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