this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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