his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
