Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
