When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
