I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
