I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
