i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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