You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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