Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
