I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
