My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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