i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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