yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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