I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
