Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
