I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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