I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
