You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
