he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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