just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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