Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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