Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
