Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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