last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We're too hungover to prance.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
