I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize