I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
