She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it's like heaven, but drunker
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
