I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
