Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
