I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
