I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
