I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
