Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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