I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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