last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize