saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
