This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
