Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize