Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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