as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
