he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
