I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
