I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
