i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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