gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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