I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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