I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bring me that man meat
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize